My new year wishes

Dear god, this is my wish list for the new year (can you hear me, god? It's me, the disbeliever, the enemy of all those absurd beings you created).

I wish that all monkeys learn graceful manners and that they find ways to be gentle and good and kind and that they stop snatching and thieving and destroying what is not theirs.

I wish that all frogs (the ugliest and creepiest particularly) tire of village life and abandon my garden to hop and frolic on the beach where the tourists will love them and adopt them as pets and take them back to Germany and France and England and Russia.

I wish that every rat in the village is eaten up by every cat, all of whom will then grow so fat and big that the dogs who howl at night will run away in fright and there will be peace on earth and goodwill to all feline creatures.

And this monsoon I wish that you will not send playful little flashes of lightning right into my living room to strike terror in my heart and that you will go easy on the thunder (we're not deaf, you know) and that the rain will pitter patter gently down the window panes instead of huffing and puffing and threatening to blow my roof away. And I wish that the huge rat-like creature that has been digging up my garden is struck by lightning (since it's impervious to everything else) and that it turns to ashes before my very eyes (please god). And I wish that small insects do not crawl into my ears when I'm sleeping and buzz in there and refuse to come out.

I wish also that you could do something to stop the rooster crowing at 3 in the morning.

And while you're at it could you also stop my neighbour's hens from laying eggs in my garden. Dear god, that's all I need now, bloody little chicklings hatching in my hibiscus.

And I'd be really grateful if once in a while you could do something to kind of curb mother nature. She seems a little crazy sometimes, almost manic as the shrinks would say.

And before you think I'm ungrateful and greedy, I thank you dear god for the moon and the stars and the sunsets and all the pretty things you created.

Dear god, if only you wish it I could wish myself a happy new year.